hi-d-ho

hey, so i just was told that if i have a blog that i should probably keep updating the thing. well, here i am, trying to use external software to update the thing and hoping that it really does work out for me.

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Shine your light for the world to see

this is one of those songs that inspires me to keep writing. to keep my head up and to move forward, not backwards. love. love. love.

“Umi Says” —MOS DEF

I don’t wanna write this down, (world… premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now (world… premiere)
I don’t wanna take no time to write this down, (world… premiere)
I wanna tell you how I feel right now, hey (world… premiere)

Tomorrow may never come
For you or me
Life is not promised
Tomorrow may never show up
For you and me
This life is not promised

I ain’t no perfect man
I’m trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have
I ain’t no perfect man
I’m trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have

Put my heart and soul into this song (yes yes)
I hope you feel me
From where I am, to wherever you are
I mean that sincerely
Tomorrow may never come
For and me
Life is not promised
Tomorrow may never appear
You better hold this very moment very close to you (right now)
Very close to you (right now)
So close to you, So- close to you (your moment in history is right now!)
Don’t be affraid, to let it shine

My Umi said shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see
My Abi said shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see
(I want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
My Abi said shine your light on the world
(Want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
Shine your light for the world to see
(Want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
My Umi said shine your light on the world
(Want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
Shine your light for the world to see
(Want black people to be free, to be free…)

Sometimes I get discouraged
I look around and, things are so weak
People are so weak
Sometimes,
Sometimes I feel like crying
Sometimes my heart gets heavy
Sometimes I just want to leave and fly away (fly fly fly, like a dove)
Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself (ow!)
Passion takes over me
I feel like a man
Going insane
Losing my brain
Trying to maintain
Doing my thang
Hey hey hey hey hey
Put my heart and soul into this y’all
I hope you feel me
Where I am, to wherever you are (ha ha ha ha)
Sometimes I don’t want to be bothered
Sometimes I just want a quiet life, with
Me and my babies, me and my lady
Sometimes I don’t want to get into no war
(Black people to be free, to be free…)
Sometimes I don’t wanna be a soldier
Sometimes I just wanna be a man, but

Umi said shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see
My Abi said shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see
(I want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
My dreamers(?) said shine your light on the world
(Want black people to be free, to be free, to be free)
Shine your light for the world to see
(Want black people)
My elders said shine your light on the world (Hey hey)
Shine your light for the world to see

I want black people to be free, to be free, to be free
All my people to be free, to be free, to be free
Oh black people to be free, to be free, to be free
Oh black people to be free, to be free, to be free

That’s all that matters to me [x7]

Black people unite and let’s all get down
Gotta have what,
Gotta have that love
Peace and understanding
One God, one light
One man, one voice, one mic
Black people unite come on and do it right
Black people unite come on and do it right
Black people unite come on and get down
Gotta have what,
Love, peace and understanding
One God, one voice, one life
One man, gon’ shine my light
Black people unite, now hop up and do it right
Black people unite, now come on and do it right
Yeah baby that’s what I like
Yeah baby that’s what I like
Yeah baby that’s what I like…
(Black people, my people….)

Silhouette —by Thrice

Silhouette
   ——Thrice

Your eyes, followed me here. 
Your eyes, seamless and sure. 
They leave me broken and, in need of a cure. 

Your eyes, followed me here. 
Your eyes, sifting my soul. 
They leave me broken and forge diamonds from the coal.

They race me along
the infinite synapse of white lines.
and then while chasing the dawn
with storybook syntax
Your eyes slit the throat, of all I know.
About myself in this life. 
This silhouette lie.

And your eyes, speaking in tongues. 
Vigilant still, filling my lungs. 
Testing my will. 
They leave me broken and, bruised and bleeding. 

Your eyes, resting in flame, 
Leave me breathless again
Like hydrogen
Split on faultlines
or ten years living with
exposure to radon

Your eyes slit the throat, of all I know. 
About myself in this life. 
This silhouette lie.

Your eyes, Your eyes. 
Speaking in tongues. 
Vigilant still, lead our way. 
Filling my lungs. 
Testing my will. 

You slit the throat, of all I know. 
About myself in this life. 
This silhouette lie.

You slit my throat. 
Because I know, 
That this life, is a lie. 
So slit my throat.

saying i’m sorry

i don’t know about his one. maybe it is the mistakes that i have made throughout my life, but i think that i am paying for them now. so, to everyone all i can say is that i apologize for all the craziness that i have put out in this world. sorry for not being there to the people who have needed me. sorry to the people that i have used, and/or abused, for no good reason. 

i feel as though something is happening, or coming that i have never felt before. maybe i should have left to seminary, and all the decisions that i have made after that one where just really wrong decisions. maybe, maybe, maybe. i don’t get it anymore. what i should do and what would make me happy are so distant in time and space and mental thought. they, my thoughts, are keeping me from being happy but at the same time i have a feeling that i need to be unhappy — atleast for now. or, atleast till i can make one decision without weighing my options. just live life and all that, but it has never been me. making bad decisions and then beating myself up is what i am made for. 

ranting seems to be infectious so i will not disappear into classwork and dreams of the sound of the coqui putting me to sleep at night.

Vegetarianism!

okay, a rather weird title for this one, i know. however, since i am no longer a vegetarian i thought it would be nice to explain the why. last week, after blood test at the health clinic i was told that i have mild anemia — which is basically an iron deficiency. so now for better or worse i am making the long journey back to omnivorous territory. the sat think is that i take all kinds of vitamin/mineral supplements and that is not enough. so, by by to all the good intentions of trying to be healthy and i hope that going backwards is going to put my body back on track. but still no pork, that’s the devils food man.

McCain’s phone call to Obama

ok, don’t really know why this caught my eye today. . . it is obama day and all. but, i was reading, on CNN, about McCain’s phone call to Obama and it really made me sad. it made me sad because instead of it being about the country and about all of us, it runed into an us-against-them call. i know that i shouldn’t let any of the propaganda or slant of politicians get to me but it just dawned on me that that is why i didn’t like McCain. not so much because of all his constant attacks on Obama, and Obama saying nothing, but because he made me feel really dirty.

 

his comments on the phone were very telling. when he spoke of Obama’s victory he said that it was a great day for Obama’s country and for African-Americans. he did not say it was a victory for the rest of us. not for white, hispanics, asians, africans or anyone else that calls him/herself and American. very sad that even in a great victory for those who have been deplored for so long by the establishment (anyone not white) their is also the old slave owner’s mentality that nothing good will come of it.

what, after almost 300 years us unwanted can’t do better than the wanted. i don’t know, when was the last time that a Chinese-American started a fight over land rights and sovereignty that became a civil war? if the answer is never then atleast give us a chance. we can’t do worse, and we sure as hell can do better.

anyway, why didn’t anyone vote Nader, atleast the planet would be better off for sure?

the delete button

yeah. this one will probably be very short. just finished deleting my facebook and my myspace account. i felt like i had to do it. too many people on there that didn’t really care about me, and didn’t mind hurting my feelings. and i can’t have that anylonger, so i removed my accounts and shut that shit down. i feel rather strange not having them anymore; but, it had to be done. can’t have people hurt me and not mind it. thank you lola for the advice on deleting.

that’s all.

the crazy rave

okay, so tonight officially started the whole going out and partying till you drop. we went out to College Lane and i lost my freaking credit card. so sick and all i had to walk like ten minutes back untill i found it in the grass where everyone could see. when i got back to the party i was not feeling it anymore. but, after a while i got my dance on and tried to forget all about my crazy ass life. which is what dancing is all about for me. the thing was suppose to end at 1 in the morning; but, at 0130 we where still there getting our groove on. the dj started to play all kinds of stuff. old school techno-80’s rock-jackson five. yeah, the jackson five. whatever.

when we got out we jumped into the nearest cab and where back home before anyone on campus got back. ordered pizza, and an hour later there it was. damn place closes at 2 in the morning and everything else closes at like 11 at night. no idea why, this being a college town and all. then as we sat and ate all kinds of people showed up thinking we where hosting a damn after party. we squashed that real quick. now at 0430 in the morning i am still so very awake. 

i just put some white clothes to soak and tomorrow i will be on the lazy and just sleep, get wel, and do laundry.

still don’t know when my classes are going to actually be but i guess this week i will have too really get on that. confusing system in England. they have lectures and seminars for one class so that you are always doing something. so far it is actually really good. the campus layout is good. all my classes are like a three minute walk from my flat. the area is really beautiful. in fact one of the only intact Roman town in England is 30 minutes away by foot. i’m already planning my escape next week since i have nothing the whole week. maybe i will take a flight to Germany and bring my house mates with me. they are mostly from San Jose and it is there first time out of the U.S. so they might get a kick out of being in Germany.

we shall see.

UK VISA

yup. only a few more days and i am flying out of this bitch. this morning around 8 UPS came with a special happy happy joy joy delivery. . . . my mutherfucking passport with the entry clearance stamped like a damn tattoo. 

after, i went to CCSU and took care of things there. it looks like i have to get my official transcripts that very day that i leave. and, my grant money will not be there till the day i leave which means that i will be shitting bricks until i can check on it in London.

i hung out with A today for the last time. we threw rocks into the lake for the whole hour that we spent together and basically acted stupid. all in all a good time. now i have, maybe, tomorrow with KMC and then it’s all done. rest on wednesday and then get ready for the long ride to my new home.

one week, and counting

okay, so i still don’t feel happy about leaving. i do feel like leaving; i’m just not happy about it just yet. whatever though. i guess i should leave. i’m depression is setting in and i’m begining to hurt people that i love. not that it matters to them that i am all hurt up inside. i just want peace now, and some quiet.

to all those who have expressed a wish to see me before i go; i’m sorry that i am being such an ass. to those that don’t really care what happens to me: FUCK YOU. to the rest who are in the middle — don’t worry about it, soon it will not matter.

below i am posting an old poem of mine. i don’t’ know what i was thinking about then, but it seems to capture my feelings very well today:

 

scared

crying

cringing

ready to meet my one true fate

to see it all to its end

everywhere alone

alone and ready to go

seeping

crawling

crying

alone and ready to die

death at my door

i can see it

but i run

run from what

from self

scared to live

scared to die

ready to see it to its end

 

7-9-03