so a few weeks ago, before all the madness with my getting a divorce from realty, or is that sanity, i got myself a mohawk. i don’t know why i did it. i just asked rocky to cut my hair, and now i have a mohawk. it’s actually rather cool since he changed his life, and now i am making a sweeping new change in my own. i have less than two weeks to my birthday and in that time i will be heading out of the united states again, this time not for elivette; but, for myself. and, the hair is coming with me.
so, the hair isn’t the only thing. maybe it’s all the boose that i have not been drinking, and maybe it’s the fact taht i am sick as a dog, but i feel like i have lived too long. i know that earlier in my life i wanted to become aq priest, and maybe that has something to do with how i feel now. it’s as though i was not living my life at all, just a bystander in it.
i have been thinking about the ex-girlfriend and what we had. or, really, what we did not have. we did not have respect for eachother. i don’t know if that really is as imortant to her, or to anyone as i would think of it, but it is very important to me. in fact recently i have been thinking that not many a person trully respects me. and, without respect there can’t be any trust. i actually had to tell her that. we had gotten into one of those conversations that goes nowhere —yes, we still try to talk — when i told her that the universe would change for her, and that something good would come out of everything that has happened. well, to this she started a mini rant on the fact that she didn’t believe in that sort of thing. well, i had to tell her that at the very least she could respect the beliefs of others, just as much as they respected hers.
then, a few weeks ago, rocky decided that it was a time of change for him, he got all his ducks lined up and took his ass down to the tattoo parlor. their he did what i did not expect him to do. he got a huge tattoo of an om symbol. the tattoo is hot except that for all his bravado he can’t tell his family about it. for all the change, and good energy, that he is trying to acumulate he cannot share it with his own family because of fear. now that is lunacy.
and now me. i keep on looking at everyone elses life like my leaving for europe is the end. i feel like more than what elivette called the end of an era. i feel as though something major is about to happen. i can feel the sign on the wall being etched out with cold precison and i don’t know what to make of it.
i’m scared, not because i am leaving, but because i don’t know what lies ahead. finally in my life i cannot see the future road that i will need to take. all that i can see rainclouds in the distance. and, the distance keeps enlarging ahead of me.