Well, I don’t actually know who I am anymore. I have moved back and forth between European countries and between Europe and the United States, and now I am rather lost. I thought that I had found someone to share my confusion; but, that wen bust. Now, I am going to live in London for the year and think it wise to keep a running diary of events big and small so that later I can figure out what went wrong in my life.
Maybe I am to much of an asshole to see that I am not worth being around. People feel nervous around me and they think that I am being crazy serious, or pissy. But, really I am just scared half of the time that I am outdated.
I have been thinking that I am a ghost. That I am already dead and buried and that I should just let everything go. Soon I will be back in Europe and I don’t know if that is such a good idea. Last time I was there I had to release myself from friends so that I could survive. Yes, I am going there for completely different reasons now but still I fell that I am making a bad choice. That something bad is going to happen to me seems to be a given.
In the last few weeks bad things continue to happen. I lost my girlfriend — if i can call her that; and I found out that she might, or might not have told people that I did something awful to her. I tried talking to her about it, and got her to understand my position on the matter. . . but, still I feel confused and jaded and a bit like someone is playing games with me.
But, the steamroller keeps moving. She and I will stay friends and I hope that nothing ever happens to her cause my heart will fucking break. Gotta go, and hope whoever reads this goes on to read the earlier Archived stuff so that they understand me better.