how i feel

i feel just so dirty here. don’t know why. i have been fighting back the tears and hoping that God would just come and help me out. then yesturday i spoke to my mom and she made me realize that maybe this is Gods plan for me. maybe right now i need to feel like this so that i can wake up.

i met a girl — scratch that — a woman at work a few weeks back. it is funny, she is Moslem from Bosnia and i have had the most refreshing conversations with her. my heart doesn’t flutter but i can feel that small gulping sensation like theri is more there but i don’t dare say anything. then i am reminded of a movie i saw. they said that love in never silly or stupid a thing to talk about, if it is you just don’t deserve it.

i am not saying i am in love because hell i am the everlasting schoolboy but may be God is showing me something. maybe i need to continue on and see. but, what is stopping me from starting any real relationships here is that i know that i will leave and i just couldn’t do that.

i mean i’m looking for more that a good fuck. i’m looking for freindship and love and all that comes with it. i am starting to realize and seek out love. it has been just so long since i was feeling like this. what the hell is up with me??

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