the delete button

yeah. this one will probably be very short. just finished deleting my facebook and my myspace account. i felt like i had to do it. too many people on there that didn’t really care about me, and didn’t mind hurting my feelings. and i can’t have that anylonger, so i removed my accounts and shut that shit down. i feel rather strange not having them anymore; but, it had to be done. can’t have people hurt me and not mind it. thank you lola for the advice on deleting.

that’s all.

the crazy rave

okay, so tonight officially started the whole going out and partying till you drop. we went out to College Lane and i lost my freaking credit card. so sick and all i had to walk like ten minutes back untill i found it in the grass where everyone could see. when i got back to the party i was not feeling it anymore. but, after a while i got my dance on and tried to forget all about my crazy ass life. which is what dancing is all about for me. the thing was suppose to end at 1 in the morning; but, at 0130 we where still there getting our groove on. the dj started to play all kinds of stuff. old school techno-80’s rock-jackson five. yeah, the jackson five. whatever.

when we got out we jumped into the nearest cab and where back home before anyone on campus got back. ordered pizza, and an hour later there it was. damn place closes at 2 in the morning and everything else closes at like 11 at night. no idea why, this being a college town and all. then as we sat and ate all kinds of people showed up thinking we where hosting a damn after party. we squashed that real quick. now at 0430 in the morning i am still so very awake. 

i just put some white clothes to soak and tomorrow i will be on the lazy and just sleep, get wel, and do laundry.

still don’t know when my classes are going to actually be but i guess this week i will have too really get on that. confusing system in England. they have lectures and seminars for one class so that you are always doing something. so far it is actually really good. the campus layout is good. all my classes are like a three minute walk from my flat. the area is really beautiful. in fact one of the only intact Roman town in England is 30 minutes away by foot. i’m already planning my escape next week since i have nothing the whole week. maybe i will take a flight to Germany and bring my house mates with me. they are mostly from San Jose and it is there first time out of the U.S. so they might get a kick out of being in Germany.

we shall see.

UK VISA

yup. only a few more days and i am flying out of this bitch. this morning around 8 UPS came with a special happy happy joy joy delivery. . . . my mutherfucking passport with the entry clearance stamped like a damn tattoo. 

after, i went to CCSU and took care of things there. it looks like i have to get my official transcripts that very day that i leave. and, my grant money will not be there till the day i leave which means that i will be shitting bricks until i can check on it in London.

i hung out with A today for the last time. we threw rocks into the lake for the whole hour that we spent together and basically acted stupid. all in all a good time. now i have, maybe, tomorrow with KMC and then it’s all done. rest on wednesday and then get ready for the long ride to my new home.

one week, and counting

okay, so i still don’t feel happy about leaving. i do feel like leaving; i’m just not happy about it just yet. whatever though. i guess i should leave. i’m depression is setting in and i’m begining to hurt people that i love. not that it matters to them that i am all hurt up inside. i just want peace now, and some quiet.

to all those who have expressed a wish to see me before i go; i’m sorry that i am being such an ass. to those that don’t really care what happens to me: FUCK YOU. to the rest who are in the middle — don’t worry about it, soon it will not matter.

below i am posting an old poem of mine. i don’t’ know what i was thinking about then, but it seems to capture my feelings very well today:

 

scared

crying

cringing

ready to meet my one true fate

to see it all to its end

everywhere alone

alone and ready to go

seeping

crawling

crying

alone and ready to die

death at my door

i can see it

but i run

run from what

from self

scared to live

scared to die

ready to see it to its end

 

7-9-03

changes

so a few weeks ago, before all the madness with my getting a divorce from realty, or is that sanity, i got myself a mohawk. i don’t know why i did it. i just asked rocky to cut my hair, and now i have a mohawk. it’s actually rather cool since he changed his life, and now i am making a sweeping new change in my own. i have less than two weeks to my birthday and in that time i will be heading out of the united states again, this time not for elivette; but, for myself. and, the hair is coming with me.

so, the hair isn’t the only thing. maybe it’s all the boose that i have not been drinking, and maybe it’s the fact taht i am sick as a dog, but i feel like i have lived too long. i know that earlier in my life i wanted to become aq priest, and maybe that has something to do with how i feel now. it’s as though i was not living my life at all, just a bystander in it.

i have been thinking about the ex-girlfriend and what we had. or, really, what we did not have. we did not have respect for eachother. i don’t know if that really is as imortant to her, or to anyone as i would think of it, but it is very important to me. in fact recently i have been thinking that not many a person trully respects me. and, without respect there can’t be any trust. i actually had to tell her that. we had gotten into one of those conversations that goes nowhere —yes, we still try to talk — when i told her that the universe would change for her, and that something good would come out of everything that has happened. well, to this she started a mini rant on the fact that she didn’t believe in that sort of thing. well, i had to tell her that at the very least she could respect the beliefs of others, just as much as they respected hers.

then, a few weeks ago, rocky decided that it was a time of change for him, he got all his ducks lined up and took his ass down to the tattoo parlor. their he did what i did not expect him to do. he got a huge tattoo of an om symbol. the tattoo is hot except that for all his bravado he can’t tell his family about it. for all the change, and good energy, that he is trying to acumulate he cannot share it with his own family because of fear. now that is lunacy.

and now me. i keep on looking at everyone elses life like my leaving for europe is the end. i feel like more than what elivette called the end of an era. i feel as though something major is about to happen. i can feel the sign on the wall being etched out with cold precison and i don’t know what to make of it.

i’m scared, not because i am leaving, but because i don’t know what lies ahead. finally in my life i cannot see the future road that i will need to take. all that i can see rainclouds in the distance. and, the distance keeps enlarging ahead of me.

art of manliness

so none of this below is mine. it is from the great ART OF MANLINESS pages.

True loyalty. A lot of my female friends will complain about one or more of their boyfriend’s or husband’s friends. The disliked friend will usually be a guy the husband/boyfriend has known since high school or even longer. The woman will be baffled as to why her husband or boyfriend is still friends with this character when on the surface they no longer have much in common. These women miss the nature of man friendships; it’s all about loyalty.

Non-judgmental. Dudes really aren’t very sensitive or critical of each other. Several times at the gym I have seen a really fit guy helping his fat friend get in shape. But I’ve never seen this dynamic among women. A guy can say, “Hey man, do you need help with that? Let’s work on it together,” without the man getting offended and saying something like, “What? You think I’m fat? I can’t believe you think I’m fat!”

Straightforward. When a guy is bothered by something that his friend is doing, he simply tells his friend, they discuss it, sometimes heatedly, and then move on. A man generally does not keep burning angst bottled up inside, waiting to explode. And when men no longer get along, they most often simply go their separate ways without much muss or fuss. Not so, for a lot of the female friendships I have seen (not all ladies, not all!). A lot of women, and sorry ladies, it’s true, are down right cruel to each other. They not only part ways, but engage in emotional warfare designed to crush each other’s spirit. Guys keep things pretty straightforward; we like each other, cool, we no longer get along, see ya.

It has been said that female friendships can be pictured as two women facing one another, while male friendships can be symbolized as two men standing side by size, looking outwards. So here’s to having a buddy, a brother to take on the world with. Long live man friendship.

credit and the UK

oh man. i just spoke to one of the girls going to the University of Hertfordshire with me and her credit card was declined or something from the uni. that is messed up since she is trying to pay for housing. what makes it worse is that no one is in the offices at all. they just sent her an email saying an english account would be so much better. however, what if she had no english account — thank god her man is over there and can help. i hope everything is fine with me and mine cause i couldn’t take anymore problems with my stuff.

E.R. Visit

ok, so i just came back from hartford hospital’s er. i really hate the er. . . any er. since i was a kid i have been in and out of the damn place. they don’t freak me out or anything. it’s just all the time that i spend in them makes me weary. i was in their once a week as a child. always the same damn nurse that knew everyone in my family. she always was so nice until she had to stick the needle in me — aaahhhhh. but, now all that i can do is crawl in there and hope that they fix me right up.

and they did. 3 hours later. 3 goes at duoneb. 1 visit to the x-ray machine. and a prescription of prednisone and now i am shaking like a small child. i’m a bit cold and i’m wonky. don’t care if thats not a word, i just am.

2 weekends

that’s all i have left at target. 2 more weekends and my time is done. i don’t even relly have that much time. this coming weekend i have given my hours to another pharmacy technician, and i don’t work on sunday. so, really it’s just one more weekend. i’m not really sad about leaving target, only about not having any reason for going back up to torrington and seeing all those people.

yesterday was my first day back in a week of being sick with asthma and who texts me — kylleen. i didn’t expect it. really that must have been the first time in months that she texted, or called me, and i don’t know what to make of it. i was going to stay after work and go to sean’s — this kid from work’s going away party — but after nbeing sadly disappointed by target and the power of my own lungs i went home and hoped not to die in a damn corner.

i really should just go to the hospital and take my shot of steroids like a good damn boy.

german sim card unlocked

ok. so i almost pissed myself. after so long not having the phone numbers of people from germany. now i have them and i’m loving it. i just unlcoked my old vodafone sim card and the whole thing makes me wanna fucking cry. i can’t use the sim card because it’s not 3G or maybe the minutes are done, but i have the numbers now. Yea!